Jimmeh (born_stubborn) wrote,
Jimmeh
born_stubborn

  • Music:

You're No Longer Welcome Here.

I've let many a great, pleasant thing and feeling pass me by; making room for bitterness, rage, and resentment to cast their moans. Loved ones bear the same load I carry - to no avail - this festering cesspool irresolutely boils inside me. I erupt and spew my poison indiscriminately. Misery and pain have been my constant companions, and scorn the god I serve. For years I have given these demons refuge because I've been too chickenshit and lazy to confront them. I have a problem with chronic anger that usually manifests itself in my saying something really mean to someone in an overbearing tone, slamming a door, pouting and talking shit under my breath, etc, etc, etc, ad frickin' nauseum. My wife has had it up to her neck with it. My family walks on eggshells around me. Not cool.

Well, it's high time I say no more.

I think I know the root of my chronic, explosive anger. Those modifiers are written in there to make a distinction between normal, everyday, human-nature type anger and my, chronic, explosive, irrational anger - an anger that is rooted (1) in my clinging to bitterness from times past, (2) ridiculously unrealistic expectations of people and the world around me, and (3) the way those expectations not being met fuel the aforementioned bitterness. This anger is invariably far more intense than the stimulus that triggered it. I think there is a lot more detail to uncover, seeing that this type of anger is a very complex problem. Complex problems will require complex solutions, right?

I know this is going to be a lot of hard work, contemplation, and self-examination. I've promised many times I'd deal with this, but failed to address it properly.

I refuse to quit, though. I want my freedom and peace of mind. I've given these demons refuge for far too long. Time to serve the little bastards their eviction notice. Time to challenge my notions and assumptions about everything.
Tags: personal
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